NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
