I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
