I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize