I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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