i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
