Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
