I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
