The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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