i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
