On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
