remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
