ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
