I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
