Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
