Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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