I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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