My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i dont even know how to be here
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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