Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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