he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
