I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
