i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
