The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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