I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
