My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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