i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
