My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
