umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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