I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
