I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
