you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
