I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
