community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
