I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
