I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize