As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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