Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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