Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
