Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
