i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
