last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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