I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
