And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm like, not good at living.
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