WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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