I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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