i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
