Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
