kristin has been a bad kristin
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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