I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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