Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
