Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
