I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
