i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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