i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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