I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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