Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
