Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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