Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
