loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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