Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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