My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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