"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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