the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're using joints as your birthday candles
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
