He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
