life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it hurts more in the daytime
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my being single is dangerous.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
