i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
