nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize