i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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